What is Man?

And I dreamed I saw the bombers
Riding shotgun in the sky
And they were turning into butterflies
Above our nation

We are stardust
Billion year old carbon
We are golden
Caught in the devil's bargain
And we've got to get ourselves
back to the garden

Joni Mitchell from Woodstock

What is Man?

 

 “For after all what is man in nature? A nothing in relation to infinity, all in relation to nothing, a central point between nothing and all and infinitely far from understanding either. The ends of things and their beginnings are impregnably concealed from him in an impenetrable secret. He is equally incapable of seeing the nothingness out of which he was drawn and the infinite in which he is engulfed."
- Blaise Pascal

 

The Infinite Universe

 

“The Infinite Universe is bigger than the biggest thing ever and then some. Much bigger than that in fact, really amazingly immense, a totally stunning size, real "wow, that's big" time. Infinity is just so big that by comparison, bigness itself looks really titchy. Gigantic multiplied by colossal multiplied by staggeringly huge is the sort of concept we're trying to get across here."
—Douglas Adams

 

The Butterfly Dream

 

Chuang Tzu is universally regarded as the greatest Taoist after Lao Tzu. His butterfly dream is probably the most celebrated dream ever to be recorded in the history of Chinese Philosophy.

 

Once upon a time, Chuang Tzu dreamed that he was a butterfly, flying about enjoying itself. It did not know that it was Chuang Chou. Suddenly he awoke, and veritably was Chuang Chou again. He did not know whether it was Chuang Chou dreaming that he was a butterfly, or whether it was the butterfly dreaming that it was Chuang Chou. Between Chuang Chou and the butterfly there must be some distinction. This is a case of what is called the transformation of things.

So what you might ask?  The dream (even our dreams) suggests that, although in ordinary appearances there are differences between things, in delusions or in dreams one thing can also be another. The transformation of things proves that as we believe them to be in waking life (if there is such a thing).  This has parallels in quantum physics. 

The conclusion is that objects or things have no absolute representations. They can look different under different states of consciousness.  If consciousness is the realization of things around us (even imagining things or dreaming things) then different states of consciousness (such as delusion or dreaming) are just different states of awareness. This account of a dream suggests there are two states of consciousness, namely, dreaming and awakening. In actuality there may be even be three states of consciousness.  The first is the normal dream state (usually when sleeping) when Chuang Tzu dreamed about the butterfly, which he thought was himself. The second state is a sort of intermediate temporary state between dreaming and full awakening.- a sort of day-dream state.   It is during this day-dream state that Chuang Tzu did not know whether he was just now dreaming he was a butterfly or the opposite, the butterfly dreaming that it was Chuang Tzu.  It wasn't until he was fully awake, the third state, at the level of so-called solid reality, that he concluded the dream with his idea of the transformation of things - the differences among things are not absolute but relative.

This major philosophical discovery may throw some light on the idea of parallel universes as postulated by the physicist Hugh Everitt in the 1950s (anybody who saw the film Sliding Doors will understand this concept).  His idea was derided at the time and he was shunned by academia for most of his life.  Only just before he died some 30 years later did developments in quantum physics begin to invest his idea with some respectability rather than merely being the stuff of Star Trek! 

Sailing to Byzantium by WB Yeats

Painting by DS Pearson

That is no country for old men. The young
In one another's arms, birds in the trees
- Those dying generations - at their song,
The salmon-falls, the mackerel-crowded seas,
Fish, flesh, or fowl, commend all summer long
Whatever is begotten, born, and dies.
Caught in that sensual music all neglect
Monuments of unageing intellect.

An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick, unless
Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing
For every tatter in its mortal dress,
Nor is there singing school but studying
Monuments of its own magnificence;
And therefore I have sailed the seas and come
To the holy city of Byzantium.

O sages standing in God's holy fire
As in the gold mosaic of a wall,
Come from the holy fire, perne in a gyre,
And be the singing-masters of my soul.
Consume my heart away; sick with desire
And fastened to a dying animal
It knows not what it is; and gather me
Into the artifice of eternity.

Once out of nature I shall never take
My bodily form from any natural thing,
But such a form as Grecian goldsmiths make
Of hammered gold and gold enamelling
To keep a drowsy Emperor awake;
Or set upon a golden bough to sing
To lords and ladies of Byzantium
Of what is past, or passing, or to come.

At Eternities Gate

"At Eternities Gate" painting - Vincent van Gogh

I have repeatedly asked my psychiatrist for ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) and been regularly refused. He has said my clinical depression is not severe enough. What do I have to do so that it is severe enough?; I have been treated now for over 3 years by drugs (Anti-depressants and anti-psychotics) and psycho-therapies with little evidence of improvement in the long term. I have had short term recoveries but inevitably these end up with me relapsing and back on a downward trajectory (mood wise) with no obvious outside cause. I have made a number of suicide attempts and been classified as at high risk of self harm by my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN).

ECT was frowned upon for quite a few years during the 80s and 90s but has more recently made a comeback as techniques for its application have been refined (so my son tells me and he is a qualified Consultant Psychiatrist). ECT for those who are not aware, is “a psychiatric treatment in which seizures are electrically induced in anesthetized patients for therapeutic effect. Today, ECT is most often used as a treatment for severe major depression which has not responded to other treatment [1]”. ECT used to be called, rather cruelly, ‘electric shock treatment’ and in years gone by it was highly stigmatized by society.

What are the symptoms of my own clinical depression? Perhaps then you can judge for yourself the seriousness and life inhibiting consequences of my condition.

One of my most common experiences when I am feeling low is what my Community Psychiatric Nurse has called ‘depersonalization’ together with loss of body image. During such a period, I feel like I am an observer detached from and looking at the surrounding scene, but not part of it, maybe even invisible. At the worst visual hallucinations, can occur, emotions can rapidly change from ecstasy to despair, often triggered by sensory clues (for example , sights, sounds and smells). Thoughts and memories flow incessantly, often breaking the boundaries of repression so that I am subject to sudden outbursts which often make no sense to the observer. This can be quite disconcerting for those nearest and dearest to me. To them it seems I am no longer the person whom they have known for all or part of their lives. Sometimes peace is obtained when I can turn inward to transcendental or contemplative thoughts. The downside of this is that I then perceive myself as communicating in great philosophical depth, while in reality I am living in a world of my own illusory imagination.

Another adverse effect is the panic attack as I am told a chemical imbalance in the brain associated with clinical depression interferes with the ability to filter and integrate sensory input. This leads to a sense of being overwhelmed and bombarded by stimuli. It tends to occur in crowded places such as busy shopping streets and supermarkets. At this time I tend to lose control and the usual reference points to reality become confused. I am overwhelmed with the fear of impending insanity accompanied by severe anxiety. It is during such a panic attack that a depressive can do the most harm to himself and possibly others. There is always a danger for instance that during a panic attack an individual may jump from a building in an attempt to escape the threatening situation. Panic attacks usually last less than 24 hr, but they can degenerate into prolonged psychotic states. I have been told that such a toxic psychosis can last from days to months but luckily I have not yet experienced this although this is one of the reasons why I’m asking for ECT treatment before my condition worsens. Prolonged psychosis resulting from clinical depression is in fact very rare but to me the fear is very real when I feel I am unstable and out of control and I will never actually regain control again.

Prolonged psychosis is a psychotic condition that may also be accelerated or exacerbated by self-medication and may include thought disorders, hallucinations, depression, regression, or depersonalizations. Self medication is a medical term meaning “the use of drugs, alcohol, or self-soothing forms of behavior, to treat a perceived or real malady. Self-medication is often referred to in the context of a person self-medicating, in order to alleviate their own distress or pain.” (Wikipedia). I don’t know whether it’s possible to convey to another person the intense craving for a substance (any substance) to relieve prolonged and severe emotional or mental distress in a sufferer. I do know however that any relief which is obtained is merely temporary and the chances are the condition will inevitably recur in an even more severe and less treatable form.

I can’t really say any more about how I am except that for the moment it helps me to write this down, the really scary thing being that at a future time my condition may not allow me to write anything down at all. Whoever reads this rather dismal BLOG, I thank you for your patience and forbearance.

After Note: A testimonial to ECT from a depression patient:

I know this may be not a smart question, but I don’t understand why ECT is the most controversial thing in psychiatry. I was told that in many foreign countries it is the first choice of treatment while in the US and UK it is the last resort. I tried everything else for a good three years before my doc recommended ECT. After receiving it, I realize the fear and such that follows the recovery period, but when you weigh the options of losing a few short term memories compared to getting your life back, is there even a comparison? I went through many emotions as I had ECT, even quit because I became scared. I returned a month later to finish and had to work through much fear then…but, ECT worked for me. For the first time in years I am not at all depressed. It’s a beautiful thing and I want people to know that side of ECT. How can we get the good stories out there to the mass media?

Wide Staring Eyes!

I've got a little black book with my poems in

I've got a bag with a toothbrush and a comb

When I'm a good dog they sometimes throw me a bone.

I got elastic bands keeping my shoes on

Got those swollen hand blues.

Got thirteen channels of shit on the T.V. to choose from.

I've got electric light

And I've got second sight

I've got amazing powers of observation

And that is how I know

When I try to get through

On the telephone to you

There'll be nobody home

I've got the obligatory Hendrix perm

And I've got the inevitable pinhole burns

All down the front of my favorite satin shirt

I've got nicotine stains on my fingers

I've got a silver spoon on a chain

I've got a grand piano to prop up my mortal remains

I've got wild staring eyes

I've got a strong urge to fly

But I've got nowhere to fly to

Ooooh Babe when I pick up the phone

There's still nobody home

I've got a pair of Gohills boots

And I've got fading roots............

Roger Waters Lyric - The Wall

“I've got nicotine stains on my fingers, I've got a silver spoon on a chain”…….tobacco and heroin, sometimes life is so empty that I smoke my brain away and long for something stronger. But, you know, I just can’t take that anymore, so I am thrashing about in the dark. This song is about depression, and the times when it may look on the outside like I have everything I need in life, but on the inside there is a big black hole where something is missing and there is an ache that can’t be dulled

The Guru's Cat

What is the difference between Religion and Spirituality? Here is one difference that is probably meaningful to most people:

Religion

This usually involves some sort of required ritual varying from the magnificence of a full blown Greek Orthodox service with loads of gold leaf, icons, bells, holy smoke and priests doing odd things behind a curtain, to a simple Baptist service of dunking prospective members in a full immersion swimming pool or nearby (clean) river. All these religions usually have some sort of written creed or statement of belief that members have to sign up to and recite out loud in unison once a week on Sundays to make sure everyone believes the same thing.

Because religions tend to be group activities like football or cricket, they invariably seem to take sides. This is fine for sports (which are supposed to be games and for fun!) but when it comes to different religions having deeply entrenched beliefs which they believe to be right (and therefore everyone else is wrong) it tends to lead to a lot of anger and counter accusations which have sometimes resulted in wars and nasty things like death and ethnic cleansing.

Spirituality

This doesn’t have rituals or rigid statements of belief that you have to adhere to retain your membership as it were. It merely involves an acknowledgement to yourself that there is something more to this world and universe we inhabit than we can actually see with our eyes or grab with our hands. It’s often called a "meaning". What this 'more' is, depends on each person and varies from a vague feeling of wonder at the beauty of a sunset or a new born baby or a flower, to a strong feeling that there is something bigger than we are looking after us and our loved ones. Sometimes we might even feel inclined to give this 'something' a name such as a Bishop nearly did recently when he daringly made reference to "God as it were" . The addiction fellowships which use a 12 Step spiritual program of recovery refer to a 'Higher Power' or 'God as you may understand him'.

Because spirituality tends to be something an individual has without the need for any complicated sets of beliefs which must be followed, it generally leads to peace rather than war. This may well be inner peace for the individual (a feeling that all is right with the world in spite of appearances); but if all individuals were at peace with themselves then they would be more likely to be at peace with each other. In other words it is unlikely that spirituality will lead to killing other people who don’t agree with you as religion has tended to do in the past (and present). There is one more difference that is particularly meaningful to me:

Religion is for people who don't want to go to Hell; Spirituality is for people who have already been there!

I have often wondered how rituals in religion come into existence to the extent that the people who follow them don't always know why they follow them except they have always done it like that. There is a Buddhist poem that provides an example of this:

The Guru's Cat

When the guru sat down to worship each evening, The ashram cat would get in the way and distract the worshippers. So he ordered that the cat be tied during evening worship.

After the guru died, the cat continued to be tied during evening worship. And when the cat expired, another cat was brought to the ashram so that it could be duly tied during evening worship.

Centuries later, learned treatises were written by the guru’s scholarly disciples on the liturgical significance of tying up a cat while worship is performed.

Anthony de Mello, “The Guru’s Cat,” The Song of the Bird, Doubleday: New York, 1982, p. 63./